Reflection

I think I overdid it last month with all the writing and studying. I haven't accomplished much this month. Well maybe I have. I've averaged writing at least one article or blog post per day, but now I feel like I've hit a brick wall or maybe I've run into a scatter ray, you know one of those sci fi gadgets that scatter your thoughts so that you can't fully grasp one before another one takes its place.

On Arian's Change Secrets today the question was asked "what did you want to be when you grew up". I thought and thought and all I could think of was I wanted to be grown up. Nothing else, just grown up. I'm the youngest of three children and always felt inadequate, or ignorant of just plain stupid. I'm 68 years old now, all my immediate family is gone except my brother and I still feel inadequate around him. Hmm I wonder if I ever did grow up. Why does it matter so much that I don't think the way he does, my priorities aren't the same as his? With my childrens' fathers family and my friends I have always been accepted for what I am. No expectations.

Maybe that's the whole problem. I look a little like my Mother and a lot like my Grandma, so people either expected me to act like them, or were determined I wouldn't grow up to be like them. My family seemed to try to cram me into a mold of the "perfect daughter". I'll never be perfect in anybody else's mind and I'm happy to be me. . .except when I'm around my brother. Why is that? Another puzzling question for which I have no answer.